Saying Yes to Saying No
Image Description: Black and white typeface design letters made up of the word “YES” spelling out a giant word “NO.” Image used by permission by Gordon Johnson via Pixabay .
These past few weeks, I said no. Three times, no less!
That may hardly seem like news worth sharing, let alone writing a blog entry about. But it was something way outside of my comfort zone and, as I half-joked about this rare achievement, I also realized that I am not an outlier. There are a lot of creative people who have trouble saying no. And we are darn tired.
The challenge of saying no is that it feels like the ultimate negative. We are essentially telling someone -- sometimes somebody we know well -- that we are rejecting their request. For those of us who are people-pleasers who like to keep our professional and personal relationships solid, this can be particularly hard. We don’t want to be seen as modern-day Bartlebys, ever ready to say “I’d prefer not to.”
But what if we think about things in a different way? What happens when we say yes when you really want to say no? We commit to things and either fulfill our obligations half-heartedly or take them on with the same professionalism we try to bring to everything we do, which means we are taking time away from other commitments, and are sacrificing our own time, energy, and capacity. It is a recipe for burnout and resentment.
In the early days of running an arts nonprofit, I often took on many requests as opportunities because I knew it would be good for the organization to be in the spotlight. They were as much marketing opportunities as they were helping out colleagues in the field. This can be true of emerging artists as well, trying to do as much as possible to get a name out there or to help peers. However, even in those situations, we must always balance the costs and benefits. Not all exposure is created equally, so we should be thoughtful about what commitments we make.
As I transitioned this past year to a life beyond running that nonprofit, I no longer needed to be more concerned about an institution than myself as an individual. Strangely though, the requests kept coming. I decided, with rare exception, to only say yes to requests that involved compensation or some sort of trade. This was a way, I thought at the time, of putting value on my time and having an easier out for requests for volunteer work. (On the topic of compensation, much can be said about the devaluing of artists through requests to do things for “exposure” and, in fact, I am writing that chapter for my book).
I soon realized though that the power of “no” is much bigger than a monetary or favor-trading value. It is about time, energy, focus, and tradeoffs. Even with this new way of framing my decision-making around compensation, I was still taking on too many obligations. I was trading these obligations for time to devote to friends and family, hobbies, exercise, reading, catching up on a decade of lost sleep, and simply having moments to relax.
When the pandemic hit, this became even more apparent. Living through a worldwide traumatizing health crisis that forced significant adjustments in day-to-day routines also meant that psychological well being was being tested. Capacities were changing. It became a time for reflection and reconsideration. Being intentional about rest and rejuvenation was more important than ever.
I knew I had to acquire a new artistic skill - saying no. Just as an emerging artist might go through a lot of starts and stops on the way to honing their skills, my work in the “art of no” is far from masterful. I am often slow to respond to requests because I am not quite sure how to say no. When I say no, it can sometimes come across as an apology or a wishy washy “maybe later.” Or I start taking on the obligation of finding someone else who can take my place, still adding work to my plate.
Like an emerging artist, I have tried to learn from those in my circle who are adept at saying no while saving face. They know their realities, their capacities, and their boundaries. They are quick, direct, and clear with their responses. “I am honored you thought of me, but I can’t.” “Thanks, but I’ve got too much on my plate.” “What a cool project, but I won’t be able to dedicate the time I need to it.” “I really wish I could, but I am just not able to.” If it is just catching them at the wrong time, they acknowledge that, leaving a door open for a future time. If it is something they clearly never want to do, they are able to say no quickly and clearly. Gracious but without excuses, apologies, or flourishes.
So much of my reflection and writing about creative resilience is about reframing negatives into positives. Yet it took me until today o’clock to realize that saying no is not just about protecting my own boundaries and capacities. It is also about honoring the person making the request with directness and respect. As someone who is also often on the other side of making requests of others, I know I may feel temporarily disappointed if the person I am asking says no. At the same time, I also can move on quickly to consider other options if that person gives me a quick no rather than an ambivalent yes, a wishy washy maybe, or radio silence.
Beyond protecting our capacities, there can be other considerations as well:
Is there a moral or ethical concern? Sometimes we may be asked to do something that just doesn’t sit right with us. It could feel exploitative or goes against our principles as artists or human beings in some way. While it may be easier to say no on principle, it also can be a delicate situation, especially if the source of the offer is someone we know or someone who may be a powerful force within our respective disciplines. If you don’t feel comfortable raising the ethical red flags with the requester, a quick and direct no will do. If you do feel comfortable calling out something problematic, more power to you.
Are you really the best person to do this? This is where we may have to set aside our egos and really assess whether we are the right fit for what we are being asked to do. Instead of running the risk of accepting to do something and struggling to do it well, this is where it is a good idea to make a recommendation of someone else. For example, I do paid consultations with documentary filmmakers. If they want feedback on a rough cut, a sample work or trailer, or a grant proposal, I can do the job well. If they want feedback on how to film great footage, what current world costs are for budgeting, or how to navigate the world of distribution, my advice is to find a different consultant who is more specialized in those things.
There are also times when we might be adept at doing something, but we want to help amplify others who can do the same thing just as well, but perhaps do not have access to the same networks. Even if we lose potential income in the process, we are gaining equity in our artistic communities and are strengthening those communities in the process.
Is this something you are considering because of FOMO, aka,“Fear of Missing Out?” Sometimes we may say yes to things hastily because we feel like doing so will put us where the action is. Perhaps we have been a part of something in the past and want to maintain connection to it. It may be important to be able to step back and really think about why you want to say yes.
Before saying yes to an ask from someone else, we should ask ourselves these questions:
Do I have the time to fit this into my schedule?
Do I have the interest in fitting this into my schedule?
Am I the best person to fulfill this request?
What do I have to gain from saying yes?
What do I have to lose from saying yes?
How does saying yes move my creative career or aspirations forward?
Notice that these questions are intentionally self-focused. This is not to say we shouldn’t also be thinking about others, but remember that our interest in helping others needs to be measured against the benefits and costs to ourselves. We will invariably do much better for others in activities that also are better for us. And that is a win-win for everyone.
Saying no may be outside the comfort zone for many of us, but it can also be immensely liberating and empowering. For some who like to keep “To-Do Lists,” consider adding a “To-Don’t” list to record all the requests to which you say no. Let that list get long.
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